History of Kirkidia

Flag of Kirkidia

KIRKIDIA – A LAND NOT TOO FAR AWAY

A long time ago an Austrian doctor that we all know by name Schicklgruber became wanted by the Austrian goverment for his illegal tests with his patients. The doctor exiled.

Schicklgruber depression

Schicklgruber was turned down by the whole world and his life became meaningless. Now he was unable to practice the profession which he loved.

The doctor found a land where he decided to form his own country. According to the natives, the sun has never shined there. Schicklgruber started to call his newfound land by the name Kirkidia.

THE OWL OF KIRKIDIA

At the same time things got violent in Israel. The israelis tried to kill the lebanese people. They spread combs which were able to shoot laser through head. The laserbeam melted the penis that pierced the body, went into the heart and killed a man.

Schicklgruber heard about what had happened and he demanded to have the blueprints for the robotcomb, the LCSCC (Laser-Controlled Surgical Cyborg Comb). Well, he didn’t get them so he decided to take the path of crime.

The year 2004 Schicklgruber managed to jack the blueprints for LCSCC model RX-10. He built a robot comb which had wings and was able to fly like a bird.

He understood that now he could have his revenge against everyone who ever had doubts about his geniosity and conquer the whole world. The neighbouring countries laughed at the idea but they also told Schicklgruber to keep the cyborg inside the borders of Kirkidia. They called the robotcomb by contemptuous name- The Owl of Kirkidia.

Robot comb

The doctor ordered the comb to go and destroy the enemies of Kirkidia, but the owl was hesitating. It didn’t want to leave Kirkidia and the reason for that was the sun. The continuous mine fires had caused everlasting clouds to the sky above Kirkidia. Clouds were too heavy for the wind to blow away.

Schicklgruber wanted to die when he saw that his plans were going to fail, but with the ethics of a doctor, he couldn’t kill himself. He told the owl to kill him, but the owl didn’t obey. Schicklgruber hadn’t read the hebrew instructions correctly so he missed the operational principle of the RX-10. The model RX-10 had the ability to read thoughts and was programmed to function conversely to what the victim wanted. So the owl left the doctor alive and flew away. The owl spread fear in the area of west-Kirkidia, where it had destroyed all colonization and fulfilled the darkest nightmares of the people who lived there.

The fault that the mind reading and operating conversely caused, was the difficulty to control the comb. Practically the only way to control the RX-10 was to sacrifice people to it. If you sacrifice people that doesn’t want to die, the comb does what you want and kills the people.

The doctor tried to pay someone for killing him, but the owl of Kirkidia protected him.

UNCA PAUNO

The loneliness and the longing for death motivated him to build a son, Unca Pauno. From around the world, were different parts of Pauno delivered. Is there enough opponent for The Owl of Kirkidia now? Is another cyborg the only way to kill the mind reading cyborg? Will Schicklgruber get his beloved death through the hand of his son?

 Unca Pauno helping Dr, Schicklgruber

PRISON TRAM CONNECTED TO THE MINES

People were unsatisfied for the Schicklgruber’s self-pity and suicidial leadership. The welfare of Kirkidia had always been in direct correlation to doctors mental health. Schicklgruber understood that the only way to get the rule back was discipline. Doctor founded the Iron Army and built the railroad from Dieselgrad, the capital of Kirkidia, to the old coal mines. The railroad was ment to easen the patrolling of the Iron Army and the transportation of prisoners. The old railroad of Dieselgrad had been in passenger use long time ago, but the terrorist attack to the power station by the owl of Kirkidia LCSCC RX-10 had destroyed the production of electricity completely. Doctor had to accept the fact that powerlines of Kirkidia were on too weak ground, so the carriage, the prison tram, was powered with a diesel engine.

The Iron Army

Became a day when the mine fire was weakening and the clouds above Kirkidia were disappearing. Sunbeams encountered the soil and gave people hope of the better life. People understood they could achieve a better way of life somewhere else. The Kirkidian emigration happened in two waves. At the first time they noticed the robot comb wasn’t able to stop them anymore when the sunshine made it inoperative. Schicklgruber was furious. He ordered the Iron Army to pile up burning things and to throw them to the fire so the flames would have become stronger and the clouds would have filled up the sky again.

The robot comb became operative again and prevented the Kirkidians from escaping, even though they still dreamed about getting away. So the peace returned to Kirkidia. More and more personal belongins were collected to burn and Kirkidia continued its decaying. All the burnable things ran out and the fire was ceasing again. The second wave of Kirkidian emigration began.

Murder

A NEW FUEL

Doctor Schicklgruber’s fury was immeasurable. Doctor’s order of the day for the Iron Army was following: “Gather all the leaving Kirkidians into the prison tram and take them into the mines to burn!” The mine fire got new fuel and again the clouds were thickening above Kirkidia, this time the clouds were much more dense. Schicklgruber was proud of his semi-accidentally born idea to burn people in the mines to get more smoke. But he had a new problem. The population of Kirkidia turned into radical decrease. With this rate of burning, there would be no people left in couple of years.

Doctor began to plan additional operations and so was founded the frightening and hated human farm of Dieselgrad. Schicklgruber chose part of the women to be pregnant and assigned Sodomé Kreutzfeld to lead the farm. Her duty would be to inseminate the chosen women with Schicklgruber’s semen. The strongest male Kirkidians were assigned to the Iron Army and the strongest female were chosen to be in the pregnancy program. The rest were placed in to the Kirkidian community to grow up in fear and to wait for their final journey in the prison tram.

Slowly the population turned by their genotype into one large family. All the citizen were offspring of Schicklgruber’s and some of the Schicklgruber’s children were also Schicklgruber’s grandchildren. Doctor believed the nation would grow even more stronger and powerful, but the genetic exceptions did appear. The state of Kirkidia wanted confession from foreign countries and Schicklgruber wanted the death more and more.

HEAVY GANGSTERS

After the Schicklgruber’s rise to power resistance movement Heavy Gangsters was formed, led by Salomon Pahasilmä with Don Peter Fritzl as a co-leader. As a great patriot Salomon decided to lead by example by personally infiltrating into the Iron Army.

Heavy Gangsters

As soon as while monitoring the recruitment Schicklgruber noticed something in Salomon, so Schicklgruber decided to assign Salomon into his personal national guard.

THE MINISTER OF NIGHT

Salomon was successful in military and started to like the benefits of his career even more and more. Schicklgruber promoted him repeatedly, even until the title of Minister of Night. Loads of benefits were gained and the thought of returning in to the abandoned houses of the woods was much less attractive. He decided to stay and swear in the name of Schicklgruber. Meanwhile Don Peter took the order of Heavy Gangsters.

The primary duty of the Minister of Night was to ensure the darkness in Kirkidia. Schicklgruber had solved the problem by organizing the transportation of the residents by prison tram in to the mines to burn. Salomon dealt with it honourable.

The next duty for Salomon besides his primary tasks was to arrange the Kirkidian mass-castrating. All Kirkidians were to become castrated, including the Minister of Night himself. Only Schicklgruber was to procreate children and the fertilization was to take place in the human farm under the rule of Sodome Kreutzfeld.

Salomon still wanted to have an offspring. He just didn’t know how to carry it out while all the women were under strict supervision in the farms. When prison tram was once again lifted up from the sea of fire, there were also one survivor. The survivor was a woman.

Salomon drag the woman in to the woods and fertilized her. He kept his offspring’s carrier in the woods and brought her food. One day the woman was gone missing. While being seriously injured, the woman couldn’t have got away herself. The former henchmen of Salomon’s had found her, the Heavy Gangsters.

THE GREAT ARTIST SONKLE

The woman gave birth while living with the Heavy Gangsters and died in childbirth due to injuries. Giving birth is so rare in Kirkidia that the event was thought to be divine. The born child was blessed with name Sonkle.

Years later Sonkle grow up and he had become the Great Artist of Kirkidia. Sonkle, also known as Gaffer Sonkla, created works handling the defects of Kirkidia. Schicklgruber wasn’t pleased. He ordered Salomon to sweap out the problem with the help of the Iron Army. He also had to destroy the Heavy Gangsters, who were also protecting Sonkle. Salomon wanted Sonkle to survive, so he had to fail on purpose.

The main problem was that Salomon was promoted to Kirkidian secondary leader right after Schicklgruber. He would not be allowed to fail or he would lose all the gained benefits and in case of getting revealed, also his life.

Salomon planned to drug and drive Sonkle to the border of Kirkidia. The main obstacle would be Heavy Gangsters protecting the Great Artist they honour. Salomon could destroy them at the same time, but then no-one would protect Sonkle from the Iron Army. The mission would also be endangered by Unca Pauno, who was rumoured to wander in the forests seeking fuel to himself, people to rape in other words. Pauno rapes Kirkidians and takes vitality during the operation so he could continue his mission to murder his master. The third threat would be the Owl of Kirkidia, robot comb that flies through the skies with shattering the dreams as primary mission.

NIGHTMARE OF A DAY DREAM

Became a day when a team of foreigners managed to get in to Kirkidia by a ferry over the Sea of Uncontrolled Rage. Led only by curiosity this team called Grotexplorers explored over the wastes of Kirkidia and managed to record the tales of Kirkidia by interviewing Kirkidians. Most of the records are based on the Sonkle’s memories. Sonkle was very openly sharing the history of Kirkidia.

A hunt began, when Schicklgruber heard about the Grotexplorers. Still they were able to retreat from Kirkidia and Schicklgruber filled himself up with fury. He gave order of the day in a speech to the puking government of Kirkidia. The message was delivered to the citizens of Dieselgrad by Kirkidian newsagency. This short message ordered people to be forcefully gathered into the district of Smertheim, where they would be gassed to death.

GOPNIKS FROM TVER

Some years later a group of Russian gopniks from the city of Tver were wandering near the Russian border. Without good navigation skills they got lost and ended up in to the dark forests of Kirkidia. While drinking beer, eating seeds called semki and slavsquating in the forest, they were encountered by Heavy Gangsters. They introduced themselves as Tverskaya Mafia and traded some Семки to vodka. During the party that began when the bottles of vodka were opened, one heavy gangster got killed. Nobody knows what happened, but after finding the dead body of their friend, the rest of the Heavy Gangsters escaped from the party.

tverskayamafia

The unsharp memories tell that Heavy Gangsters burned a bridge while fleeing, and so was the relations between Heavy Gangsters and Tverskaya Mafia. Obviously Iron Army was already enemy of the both groups.

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One Response to History of Kirkidia

  1. Koira says:

    Lol apua:D

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